First Time is Never Easy

The first month after having Blake, I had help. During my confinement period then, I had Sean, my mom and grandmother around to help me - from cooking to laundry to baby duties. But all that ended the moment I moved back home after confinement.

Sean returned to work, and I was all alone. With this.




Blake was a colicky baby. A super colicky one. He cried from day to night, night to day. The loud piercing cries of Blake could be heard blocks away. This I know because I remember Sean telling me he heard Blake crying while walking towards our block. Basically, my memories from those days with him were just him crying non-stop for 3-4 months straight. That, and tons of carrying which grew out muscles for Sean and me. Needless to say, the first 3-4 months was a very trying period for us.

We turned into the living dead due to the lack of sleep, and because of that, we argued a lot; The most we have ever argued in our entire of six years together then.

I remember being very depressed. I had shut myself out from the rest of the world (visible online with lots of rants), and I cried a lot, threw tons of tantrums at the slightest bit of anything.


This was how I ate at home for the first 3-4 months. All I ate were instant/microwavable food.


He would only sleep while being carried


Happiness to me back then was having peace in the house and not having to move to get anything done




Whenever he would sleep, I would try too

I find myself having to choose what's most important to me on a daily basis - eat, shower or sleep. I could not have all or two. I could only have one per day, when I'm on my own. Usually, I'll take food cos I could always take a quick shower when Sean's home. Not being able to shower when I feel icky was part of the reason why I never enjoyed breastfeeding. It's a very messy business for a first-timer, at least for me. Taking a nap would be a huge gamble cos Blake would wake up at any moment. Unless he's sleeping on top of me, it's pretty difficult to get a decent nap. And that would make me even more grouchy than I already am.

I was in constant angst and self-pity. I ever considered throwing myself off the building, with or without Blake, just to be done with everything. Yes, these awful thoughts flashed past my mind more than once.

On one of those mornings when I had that thought, and was very sure I would follow through with it, I called Sean to tell him I could not take it anymore. He had just reached his work place, and he got so worried about Blake's safety and mine, he took an urgent leave and rushed home to be by our side.

I had locked myself and Blake in the room. Blake was, as usual, screaming at the top of his lungs, and I was covering my head with a pillow bawling my eyes out. The whole room was a loud, noisy mess.

When Sean entered the room, the feeling that I felt when he came to comfort me first, instead of attending to Blake, was triumphant. I was actually competing with my own son for my husband's affections unknowingly.

I cannot remember how long it took for Sean to calm me down, and to get me back to sleep before taking Blake out of the room. I only remember that after that day, I still cried whenever I lost it, but never again did I have those awful dark thoughts.

Things got much better after Blake was 4 months old. Along with switching from regular formula milk to goat's formula milk, I had stopped breastfeeding him too, and those seemed to have had a positive effect on his colic. He only cried when he was hungry, fell asleep on his own in whatever comfortable positions he could get himself in, and that's when he began to laugh and smile at us too! :D








The funniest, and I presume most uncomfortable, position I ever caught him sleeping in








Saying Blake's laughter wasn't infectious is a lie. A big fat one!
As the tougher days past, I find myself enjoying the time spent with Blake. I even found him to be quite the trooper! Even when he was down with fever, Blake would still find the energy to play with me. Only when he is really down with something terrible, will he whine and just want to be lying near us, regardless of what we're doing.


Being a first time mother to Blake brought about a couple of regrettable actions which I am ashamed of. I had thought I was well-prepared for what was to come, but I was obviously not. However, thanks to the experience Blake gave me, I am now better at my motherly duties with Nakayla. If not for him, Nakayla would probably go through the first few months with me just like Blake had to. Perhaps this is why I seem to be more favourable towards Blake at this point. Looking at how things were with him then, and how things are with Nakayla now, I think I'm trying to make it up to him subconsciously.

But honestly, I must thank my lucky stars for having Sean in my life. I'm really lucky to have a husband who cares so much for his family, who gave me all the emotional and physical support I needed despite his own need for some back then. I cannot imagine how he lived through that period with the very little amount of sleep he had, and having to put up with all the craziness that is me, and still having to go to work as usual! And the fact that he went along with my idea of having a second child last year, in spite of all that has been mentioned above... He truly is a Superman. My Superman ♥



One is never alone in their walk down a difficult path.
Read similar stories here and find the strength to carry on:

Mommified

Took a trip down memory lane on how I ended up with where I am now in my life, and I realize that ever since I met Sean, I hardly took a break! Instead, I took many, many leaps of faith! You see, I was never really the kind of person who would study hard for anything. Play hard, yes. Study even a little? No way. I still remember my secondary school mathematics teacher asking me this when I failed yet another maths test, "When will you stop your honeymoon period and start working hard?" Truth be told, I had no intentions of stopping at all back then.

But after being with Sean, I jumped into everything. Before I graduated from Republic Polytechnic in New Media, I was already taking bridging courses at Murdoch University for my Bachelor in Mass Communications. And before I graduated from Murdoch University, I was already working at Mediacorp as a Programme Liaison Executive. And even then, I was still fooling around, though I got every job and assignment given to me done.


Can you tell how happy I was when I got the job at Mediacorp?
It was my first (and only) full-time job, and in the department I had dreamt to be part of :D

I only started to focus a little more when I found out I was pregnant with Blake.


I resigned my job at Mediacorp, and took on a part time job as a New Media Trainer, teaching young students things my facilitators taught me in Republic Polytechnic. I spent most of my first pregnancy time doing something that I found myself to truly enjoy! I even went back to teach when Blake was settled in school, and I was pregnant with Nakayla!

All that aside, I guess I didn't have much to lose back then. I had just started out in the working world, and I did not really have to think too much about the finances as I almost always left it to Sean. It was definitely easier for me to give it all up and become at stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) for Blake. I was very, very lucky.

Now, you must be wondering why I say I was very lucky despite the numerous screaming and shouting to a very unfortunate pillow, and constant ranting online to family and friends who are on my social networks, about how my life is stuck in a rut? Because when I look at these, there is no amount of money or travelling or sleep that could bring so much joy and tears to me at the same time...





















I won't be able to imagine not being present for these moments too!









Too, too precious moments to miss! And with at least one of us staying home to look after the children, taking photos and videos for the one putting food on the table makes things easier. Sean may have missed the immediate moment when it happened, but if I managed to capture them on camera, it's as though he didn't miss anything!

And did I mention the joy of being able to go out when everyone else is working, and have the shopping malls to myself (and fellow SAHM troopers)? That is a definite plus for someone who does not fancy shopping in a crowded place, like me. I could also just pop by Sean's work place to meet him for lunch whenever I could. And one of the things I enjoy as a SAHM benefit - I get to shower whenever I want to!

HUGE disclaimer ahead: It's not all nice and dandy all the time.

I may stall on the housework front from time to time, but I definitely cannot put a stop to any baby duties.

There were times where I was sick, and I still had to get myself out of bed to take care of them. And I don't visit the doctor until Sean's home. There is absolutely no way I will bring the children to the clinic with me, exposing them to germs when they are perfectly fine. And that reminds me of the time I sprained my back while playing with Blake (I got carried away), and I still had to carry him, feed him, and clean him up, until Sean returned home from work. I moved like a baby learning how to walk, but with agonizing pain. There was also that one time, when Sean worked late, I had to literally change Blake's soiled diapers single-handedly, while carrying Nakayla. Don't even get me started on the mess just one child can make. This post will never end if I did. Haha.

Till this day, I still have no idea how I managed to do some of the things I did, but I did it. I did them all somehow. Haha. Staying home for my children definitely made me push myself to limits that I never knew was possible. Even at my fittest, when I was on the netball team, I thought running around the court 12 times, followed by 240 male push ups in one training session, or playing a full day of netball from 7am-7pm, were my toughest days ever. But after being a SAHM, those seem easy-peasy in comparison!


Did this when the "how _____ see ____" meme was all the rage cos I couldn't find any on SAHM!
And as though the children alone were not enough to keep me occupied, I took on whatever paying jobs I could do from home (Ribbons and Tape, La Canine Coupes, and baking to name a few). I even started this blog to remind myself of their growing up!

This whole 'mommified' process was definitely something neither I nor anyone else who knew me back then would ever imagine me to be. So, to answer my teacher's question... Mdm, my honeymoon period stopped the moment I became a mother.


Linked up with The Playful Parents:

iBaby App

About a week after my confinement lady left, I realized I had trouble remembering when the last time Nakayla had her milk, or when she last had her diaper change, or when she last pooped. I had told Sean about it, and how awesome it will be if there was something I could use to chart all these down without me having to do much! We had used the old school method of paper and pen previously with Blake.

A couple of hours later, he sent me a message and told me to try out iBaby on my mobile phone. He had gone to search in the world of Android for a suitable app for me! :D

After checking the app out, I thought I should go do more research myself, and find the most suitable baby tracking app for me to use. I downloaded a couple more free baby tracking apps and tested all of them out that afternoon.

I have to say, each app has their own pros and cons, and the one that suits me the most was iBaby. This is EXACTLY like how I shop for anything! I always end up with the very first item that I see, after going round and round looking at other similar items. I guess knowing that I have the very one thing that suits me the best will set my mind at ease using it.

Here's a basic look through of how the app works.


Just look at that cute little sleeping baby icon! Hehe.


How it normally looks like when I open the app


I love the fact that I can customize the tabs on the top to suit my requirements.
Removing those that I don't need.


They also have a section where they will tell you what to expect, based on the age of your child!


If you have more than one child, like me, this app will also allow you to add children and swop between their individual profiles!


Blake's profile is specifically added to track his growth. Hehe.




They even have charts!

I personally enjoy using this app to keep up with both my children. If you're having trouble keeping track of your baby's daily activities and growth progress like me, you might want to give this app a try! The best part is, this app is free! So there is absolutely no harm trying it at all :D

Pacifier VS Thumb Sucking

The age old question beckons an answer,

TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE?

When it comes to giving a child a pacifier to use, many parents are hesitant. Worries such as reliance, an unsightly set of teeth and possible speech delay are just some of the reasons why parents often contemplate about the use of pacifier on their children.

For us, Blake was a constant crier when he just arrived. Within the first week of his birth, my grandma had asked me for a pacifier to sooth him. We had not even given it much thought when we gave it to him. All we wanted then was peace for all.


Since then, Blake and his pacifier are almost inseparable. I have to hand it to the little thing. It got Blake through some of the most nerve wrecking situations - first dip in the pool, first day of school, going to new places for the very first time, every single vaccination at the pediatrician, and when he had surgery. It is what calms him down, and helps him sleep through the nights.


Needless to say, I haven't had the heart to wean him off it completely. Some have suggested going cold turkey - probably the only way it will work for Blake - but I really just cannot bring myself to do it. I actually secretly enjoy buying him new designs of pacifiers! Haha. But slowly, he is using the pacifier less and less, I think. He used to have it in his mouth 24/7, and will kick up a big fuss if we remove it from him and not return it. Recently, however, I could exchange it away with a candy! That's some improvement, right?

Now, when Nakayla arrived, I thought that maybe this baby will not require a pacifier! I could have one baby free of pacifier, and I would only have to deal with the weaning once! Boy, was I wrong or what?

I had taken Nakayla's mittens off, and I noticed that she has been putting her hands into her mouth. That is something pretty normal, I guess. But about a week of mittens-off, I noticed that her left thumb looked really red and sore! This girl was starting to suck on her thumb!


I mentioned it to Sean, told him that I was a thumb-sucker till I was about 10 years old, and that I don't think it would be a good idea for Nakayla to be sucking on her thumb. Not only will it be more difficult to wean off (you can throw the pacifier away, but you cannot throw the thumb away!), but there are other thumb-sucking woes to consider like hygiene (their thumbs are not going to be forever clean), and calluses on the thumb being sucked on.

Now, if you don't have an itchy finger baby like I was, you will be happy to know that the callus will go away after the thumb sucking stops. But if your child enjoys picking on scabs and dried skin like me, you might want to keep your eyes out for open wounds on the callus. This open wound could risk infection and cause pain and discomfort to your child.

I was definitely not going to take that chance with Nakayla. I would very much rather have her sucking on a pacifier. It is the lesser of two evils, if you ask me.


Still in the process of learning how to keep it in her mouth for long periods of time.
Worries of crooked teeth and speech delay are all out the window for me. After all, with the technology of today, pacifiers are so advanced now that they don't often cause any problems to teeth arrangements! Blake's set of baby teeth are all looking good to me, and there isn't any issue in speech delay - even if there is any, it will be my fault cos I enjoyed baby-talking to him a little too much. Haha.

So to answer the age old question, my own personal answer would be - give, unless you have a super amazing baby that does not require any form of sucking to feel comforted.

Ending this post with a really cute video of Blake baby-talking with his pacifier on!

Blake and Nakayla - The First Two Weeks

** long wordy post ahead!

Baby Nakayla is two weeks old today. And the last two weeks has been quite a surprising time for the husband and me. For one, we are amazed by how taken Blake is to his sister!

The first time Blake saw Nakayla in the hospital, he did not really bother to look at her - possibly cos the hospital cot was too high for him to see her clearly. And when I got discharged, Nakayla had to stay in one more night at the hospital because of jaundice. When she got discharged, we brought Blake along, and for the first time, he managed to see his little sister clearly - with me carrying Nakayla and Sean carrying him.

When Blake saw Nakayla, he went, "Eh!" pointed at her in amazement, and continued with, "Hi!", followed by a 'flying kiss'. Sean and I were shocked into silence for a moment, before bursting out in laughter and complimenting our boy.

The following few days, whenever Blake saw his sister, he did the exact same thing. That is until a couple of days ago, when Sean worked late and I had to be on my own with the two little ones at home, without any help from my confinement lady (I opted for day time confinement lady, more on that when I have finished my confinement)...

Blake had returned from school, and I had brought him to have his bath while Nakayla was fast asleep in the baby cot (all in the master room). When we got out of the bathroom, and Blake saw his little sister in the baby cot, he pointed at her and went, "Hi!" I had thought, "What? No flying kiss?" And all of a sudden, he went, "妹妹", which is 'little sister' in Chinese. I was so shocked!

In the last two years I have spent with him, he has only ever called me 'Mommy' once. Most of the other times when I thought he was calling me, he was actually asking for food (I make the sound 'mum mum' whenever it's time for him to have his meal. I have since changed to, "Time to eat!" or "Eat your food!"). He calls the husband 'Daddy' from a young age, and whenever I ask him to find Daddy, he will automatically start searching for Sean. Is it possible to feel cheated and jealous, yet happy at the same time? I'm definitely more happy than being jealous and feeling cheated though. Haha. I'm just kind of jealous that he calls Nakayla "妹妹" willingly after only seeing her a few times, and has ever only called me 'Mommy' once willingly!

During this period, Blake never dared to touch Nakayla, partly due to the fact that she's always in the baby cot. That night when I was home alone with my two babies, I had taken Nakayla out into the living room where Blake was playing to feed her. He came up to her, and attempted to shake her hands. He had grabbed her arms a little too tight, and I gently told him to be careful as Nakayla was still very small. He seemed to feel bad cos he turned around and planted his face on the sofa. Only after I have coaxed him to tell him it's alright, did he return to his happy self again. Then he attempted again, but this time round, he tried to shake her legs. Again, Blake used a little too much strength and I told him to relax. He planted his face on my thighs and made whining sounds. I coaxed him again and got him to look at Nakayla. Then I took his hands and taught him how to show Nakayla some love by touching/patting her gently. He smiled, looked at me and laughed before continuing on his own. Then I took his hands and placed Nakayla's hands in them, and told him to see how tiny her hands were. It seems like after this incident, Blake became more gentle to his little sister! Ahh, the feelings of joy when a mother witnesses such an endearing sight! J

So far, everything has been rather ok. On nights and mornings when I'm on my own with my two babies for a couple of hours, they have been pretty co-operative. Take last night for example, I took Blake to bath and to play with water when Nakayla cried for milk. I allowed Blake to play longer while I prepared milk for Nakayla. Then, I sat in the bathroom, on the toilet bowl (cover down), to feed Nakayla while keeping a watchful eye on Blake. When Blake was done playing, Nakayla had finished drinking and burping. She fell asleep and I placed her in the baby cot before dressing Blake up in his PJs. After which, the two of them gave me some time to rest to finish my dinner before seeking my attention again! Haha.

And just this morning, Nakayla had woken up close to Blake's waking time for her milk, so I quickly fed and burped her, before putting her back into the baby cot. She went in quietly without a struggle, and fell asleep on her own shortly after. I had barely gotten Blake ready for school when Nakayla cried for my attention again. Phew! While it is kind of a rush going back and forth the two babies, I'm absolutely thankful that they take turns to seek my attention when I'm on my own! I really cannot imagine if things go otherwise! But even if that happens, I will just have to grit my teeth and go through with it. My motto as a mother, "Cannot also must can!" Hehe.

The only thing I'm still trying to get used to is waking up for night feeds (thankfully I only have to get up twice at most!), and getting more sleep in the day and sleeping earlier at night. I'm so not used to the change of timings! Alright, ending abruptly with picture of my babies! Haha!

One of those middle of the night feeds... She became so wide awake for close to an hour!




My big boy all grown up and eating his favourite noodles on his own! :D



I'm planning to start a series of photo uploads on my facebook page and calling it 'Matching Monday'. It won't be a weekly thing like Flashback Friday, but it'll definitely be up on a Monday! It's basically photos of mostly Blake and Nakayla that are pretty matching in poses, taken at various time, months and years apart. If Sean or I happened to have a photo of ourselves striking similar poses as any of our babies, I'll put it up too! Do 'LIKE' my facebook page and keep a look out for the photos! Some of them are already up!

Giving Birth to Nakayla Rose 王睿璇

The process is still pretty much fresh in my mind, so I thought I'd quickly have it all written down before I forget (like I did with most parts of delivering Blake).

I'll cut to the chase this time though, listing it down in point form. I had this all typed out after everyone who came to visit me left - Thanks for coming!!

1. Real bloody show at about 7.40pm on 20 November 2012, Tuesday. I called my gynae and he told me to monitor for contractions that are 15-20 minutes apart.

2. Contractions followed after but I totally ignored them. I didn't even bother to check if they were 15-20 minutes apart. I then got myself a big cup of cookies and cream ice cream. The only thought that was in my head then - if the baby's coming, it won't be another month or so till I can have this again!

3. Contractions intensifies after midnight, and I told myself to hold it out till morning, after sending Blake to school. I kept talking to Nakayla, asking her to wait.

4. I managed to wash up and get ready for bed, but I couldn't sleep the whole night because of the contractions. Eventually, the contractions became unbearable, and I didn't think I could wait any longer. The only thought that was on my mind was - I need epidural now! So I called my mom at 3am, and my dad drove all of us - Sean, Blake, mom and myself - to the hospital.


Blake was super tired. He was also in a complete blur as to what was going on.

5. We reached Gleneagles Hospital. Sean and I got off while my parents took Blake home to rest. They sent him to school when it was time, and he was really well-behaved according to them! :D

6. Sean and I made our way to the delivery ward, and we waited for Dr. Lim to arrive. I could not have epidural yet as I needed his approval. In the mean time, the nurses gave me laughing gas to tide over the pains from contractions.


Yes, I was still laughing and talking like I wasn't in labour then

7. Shortly after this, the contractions became more painful. Dr. Lim reached and did an assessment. He said the worst thing I could have ever heard at that point in my life - IT WAS TOO LATE FOR EPIDURAL. I was already in a lot of pain and under quite a heavy dosage of laughing gas, and when I heard that, I almost died!

8. Even though it was too late for epidural, it will also be a while before Nakayla was ready to be out. Dr. Lim then left the ward for a while, I vaguely heard him say he has another baby to deliver (I could be wrong. I was under a lot of laughing gas.). All of a sudden, the contractions intensified even further (who knew that was possible!?) and I started to scream and thrash around the bed. Sean and two nurses had to hold me down. I was apparently in distressed (that's what I heard in the almost comatose state).

9. One of the nurses did a check for me and saw the baby coming, she quickly paged for Dr Lim before returning to hold Nakayla in till Dr Lim arrived.

10. To stop me from thrashing around, they told Sean to hold the gas to my face and soon, my body went kind of limp, but the pain could still be felt! I was screaming and my hands were grabbing whatever I could, although I don't remember being able to move much. I do remember my grip on things though. I think I must have clawed and gripped Sean's arms like mad during this whole period.

11. As a result of my screaming, cursing and swearing, I wasn't taking in the laughing gas, so the pain got worse for me. Throughout this whole process, I could hear Sean trying to calm me down with his voice. Whenever I could hear him, in the state that I was in, I tried to do as he said. When he said to take deep breaths, I tried to stop screaming and concentrated on taking deep breaths. I don't think it lasted very long though.

12. After about two hours upon our arrival at the hospital, Nakayla was born.


It was the most painful thing I have ever gone through in my entire life, and it somehow felt like passing motion in a strange way - a really painful one. I could even feel Dr. Lim stitching me up. I even remember mumbling that I could feel some pain down there during the stitching (no strength left, you see), and they gave me another jab, so that that Dr. Lim could finish the stitching. Recovery seemed much better than when I had Blake though. I didn't manage to sleep at all, and I was surprisingly rather awake after I regained some of my strength some two hours later. I even began to post photos on facebook! Then, I was hungry, really hungry! My appetite was good, and I did not feel any nauseousness or anything!

I still cannot believe what I went through, and that I actually survived it. Now that it's all down in words, I wonder if I'll ever remember this day as clearly as it is now...

Anyway, here are some photos taken during my stay at the hospital. I'm off to rest for my confinement now!






And here's our very first family of four photo! Taken the moment we all woke up. Hehe.