First Time is Never Easy

The first month after having Blake, I had help. During my confinement period then, I had Sean, my mom and grandmother around to help me - from cooking to laundry to baby duties. But all that ended the moment I moved back home after confinement.

Sean returned to work, and I was all alone. With this.




Blake was a colicky baby. A super colicky one. He cried from day to night, night to day. The loud piercing cries of Blake could be heard blocks away. This I know because I remember Sean telling me he heard Blake crying while walking towards our block. Basically, my memories from those days with him were just him crying non-stop for 3-4 months straight. That, and tons of carrying which grew out muscles for Sean and me. Needless to say, the first 3-4 months was a very trying period for us.

We turned into the living dead due to the lack of sleep, and because of that, we argued a lot; The most we have ever argued in our entire of six years together then.

I remember being very depressed. I had shut myself out from the rest of the world (visible online with lots of rants), and I cried a lot, threw tons of tantrums at the slightest bit of anything.


This was how I ate at home for the first 3-4 months. All I ate were instant/microwavable food.


He would only sleep while being carried


Happiness to me back then was having peace in the house and not having to move to get anything done




Whenever he would sleep, I would try too

I find myself having to choose what's most important to me on a daily basis - eat, shower or sleep. I could not have all or two. I could only have one per day, when I'm on my own. Usually, I'll take food cos I could always take a quick shower when Sean's home. Not being able to shower when I feel icky was part of the reason why I never enjoyed breastfeeding. It's a very messy business for a first-timer, at least for me. Taking a nap would be a huge gamble cos Blake would wake up at any moment. Unless he's sleeping on top of me, it's pretty difficult to get a decent nap. And that would make me even more grouchy than I already am.

I was in constant angst and self-pity. I ever considered throwing myself off the building, with or without Blake, just to be done with everything. Yes, these awful thoughts flashed past my mind more than once.

On one of those mornings when I had that thought, and was very sure I would follow through with it, I called Sean to tell him I could not take it anymore. He had just reached his work place, and he got so worried about Blake's safety and mine, he took an urgent leave and rushed home to be by our side.

I had locked myself and Blake in the room. Blake was, as usual, screaming at the top of his lungs, and I was covering my head with a pillow bawling my eyes out. The whole room was a loud, noisy mess.

When Sean entered the room, the feeling that I felt when he came to comfort me first, instead of attending to Blake, was triumphant. I was actually competing with my own son for my husband's affections unknowingly.

I cannot remember how long it took for Sean to calm me down, and to get me back to sleep before taking Blake out of the room. I only remember that after that day, I still cried whenever I lost it, but never again did I have those awful dark thoughts.

Things got much better after Blake was 4 months old. Along with switching from regular formula milk to goat's formula milk, I had stopped breastfeeding him too, and those seemed to have had a positive effect on his colic. He only cried when he was hungry, fell asleep on his own in whatever comfortable positions he could get himself in, and that's when he began to laugh and smile at us too! :D








The funniest, and I presume most uncomfortable, position I ever caught him sleeping in








Saying Blake's laughter wasn't infectious is a lie. A big fat one!
As the tougher days past, I find myself enjoying the time spent with Blake. I even found him to be quite the trooper! Even when he was down with fever, Blake would still find the energy to play with me. Only when he is really down with something terrible, will he whine and just want to be lying near us, regardless of what we're doing.


Being a first time mother to Blake brought about a couple of regrettable actions which I am ashamed of. I had thought I was well-prepared for what was to come, but I was obviously not. However, thanks to the experience Blake gave me, I am now better at my motherly duties with Nakayla. If not for him, Nakayla would probably go through the first few months with me just like Blake had to. Perhaps this is why I seem to be more favourable towards Blake at this point. Looking at how things were with him then, and how things are with Nakayla now, I think I'm trying to make it up to him subconsciously.

But honestly, I must thank my lucky stars for having Sean in my life. I'm really lucky to have a husband who cares so much for his family, who gave me all the emotional and physical support I needed despite his own need for some back then. I cannot imagine how he lived through that period with the very little amount of sleep he had, and having to put up with all the craziness that is me, and still having to go to work as usual! And the fact that he went along with my idea of having a second child last year, in spite of all that has been mentioned above... He truly is a Superman. My Superman ♥



One is never alone in their walk down a difficult path.
Read similar stories here and find the strength to carry on:

Monday Videos

Before a new day begins, here are videos of the children, taken today! Hehehe!


Nakayla was chatting away while I was working. The longest and loudest she has ever gone! But as usual, the moment the camera is out, things slowed down and became softer. Haha.



Blake came home with party favors, and he was so fascinated by this particular one! He found it so hilarious when I showed him how to play with it, but it was difficult for him to blow the strip out and make the sound. So he imitated the sound! Haha!

Mommified

Took a trip down memory lane on how I ended up with where I am now in my life, and I realize that ever since I met Sean, I hardly took a break! Instead, I took many, many leaps of faith! You see, I was never really the kind of person who would study hard for anything. Play hard, yes. Study even a little? No way. I still remember my secondary school mathematics teacher asking me this when I failed yet another maths test, "When will you stop your honeymoon period and start working hard?" Truth be told, I had no intentions of stopping at all back then.

But after being with Sean, I jumped into everything. Before I graduated from Republic Polytechnic in New Media, I was already taking bridging courses at Murdoch University for my Bachelor in Mass Communications. And before I graduated from Murdoch University, I was already working at Mediacorp as a Programme Liaison Executive. And even then, I was still fooling around, though I got every job and assignment given to me done.


Can you tell how happy I was when I got the job at Mediacorp?
It was my first (and only) full-time job, and in the department I had dreamt to be part of :D

I only started to focus a little more when I found out I was pregnant with Blake.


I resigned my job at Mediacorp, and took on a part time job as a New Media Trainer, teaching young students things my facilitators taught me in Republic Polytechnic. I spent most of my first pregnancy time doing something that I found myself to truly enjoy! I even went back to teach when Blake was settled in school, and I was pregnant with Nakayla!

All that aside, I guess I didn't have much to lose back then. I had just started out in the working world, and I did not really have to think too much about the finances as I almost always left it to Sean. It was definitely easier for me to give it all up and become at stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) for Blake. I was very, very lucky.

Now, you must be wondering why I say I was very lucky despite the numerous screaming and shouting to a very unfortunate pillow, and constant ranting online to family and friends who are on my social networks, about how my life is stuck in a rut? Because when I look at these, there is no amount of money or travelling or sleep that could bring so much joy and tears to me at the same time...





















I won't be able to imagine not being present for these moments too!









Too, too precious moments to miss! And with at least one of us staying home to look after the children, taking photos and videos for the one putting food on the table makes things easier. Sean may have missed the immediate moment when it happened, but if I managed to capture them on camera, it's as though he didn't miss anything!

And did I mention the joy of being able to go out when everyone else is working, and have the shopping malls to myself (and fellow SAHM troopers)? That is a definite plus for someone who does not fancy shopping in a crowded place, like me. I could also just pop by Sean's work place to meet him for lunch whenever I could. And one of the things I enjoy as a SAHM benefit - I get to shower whenever I want to!

HUGE disclaimer ahead: It's not all nice and dandy all the time.

I may stall on the housework front from time to time, but I definitely cannot put a stop to any baby duties.

There were times where I was sick, and I still had to get myself out of bed to take care of them. And I don't visit the doctor until Sean's home. There is absolutely no way I will bring the children to the clinic with me, exposing them to germs when they are perfectly fine. And that reminds me of the time I sprained my back while playing with Blake (I got carried away), and I still had to carry him, feed him, and clean him up, until Sean returned home from work. I moved like a baby learning how to walk, but with agonizing pain. There was also that one time, when Sean worked late, I had to literally change Blake's soiled diapers single-handedly, while carrying Nakayla. Don't even get me started on the mess just one child can make. This post will never end if I did. Haha.

Till this day, I still have no idea how I managed to do some of the things I did, but I did it. I did them all somehow. Haha. Staying home for my children definitely made me push myself to limits that I never knew was possible. Even at my fittest, when I was on the netball team, I thought running around the court 12 times, followed by 240 male push ups in one training session, or playing a full day of netball from 7am-7pm, were my toughest days ever. But after being a SAHM, those seem easy-peasy in comparison!


Did this when the "how _____ see ____" meme was all the rage cos I couldn't find any on SAHM!
And as though the children alone were not enough to keep me occupied, I took on whatever paying jobs I could do from home (Ribbons and Tape, La Canine Coupes, and baking to name a few). I even started this blog to remind myself of their growing up!

This whole 'mommified' process was definitely something neither I nor anyone else who knew me back then would ever imagine me to be. So, to answer my teacher's question... Mdm, my honeymoon period stopped the moment I became a mother.


Linked up with The Playful Parents:

Pacifier VS Thumb Sucking

The age old question beckons an answer,

TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE?

When it comes to giving a child a pacifier to use, many parents are hesitant. Worries such as reliance, an unsightly set of teeth and possible speech delay are just some of the reasons why parents often contemplate about the use of pacifier on their children.

For us, Blake was a constant crier when he just arrived. Within the first week of his birth, my grandma had asked me for a pacifier to sooth him. We had not even given it much thought when we gave it to him. All we wanted then was peace for all.


Since then, Blake and his pacifier are almost inseparable. I have to hand it to the little thing. It got Blake through some of the most nerve wrecking situations - first dip in the pool, first day of school, going to new places for the very first time, every single vaccination at the pediatrician, and when he had surgery. It is what calms him down, and helps him sleep through the nights.


Needless to say, I haven't had the heart to wean him off it completely. Some have suggested going cold turkey - probably the only way it will work for Blake - but I really just cannot bring myself to do it. I actually secretly enjoy buying him new designs of pacifiers! Haha. But slowly, he is using the pacifier less and less, I think. He used to have it in his mouth 24/7, and will kick up a big fuss if we remove it from him and not return it. Recently, however, I could exchange it away with a candy! That's some improvement, right?

Now, when Nakayla arrived, I thought that maybe this baby will not require a pacifier! I could have one baby free of pacifier, and I would only have to deal with the weaning once! Boy, was I wrong or what?

I had taken Nakayla's mittens off, and I noticed that she has been putting her hands into her mouth. That is something pretty normal, I guess. But about a week of mittens-off, I noticed that her left thumb looked really red and sore! This girl was starting to suck on her thumb!


I mentioned it to Sean, told him that I was a thumb-sucker till I was about 10 years old, and that I don't think it would be a good idea for Nakayla to be sucking on her thumb. Not only will it be more difficult to wean off (you can throw the pacifier away, but you cannot throw the thumb away!), but there are other thumb-sucking woes to consider like hygiene (their thumbs are not going to be forever clean), and calluses on the thumb being sucked on.

Now, if you don't have an itchy finger baby like I was, you will be happy to know that the callus will go away after the thumb sucking stops. But if your child enjoys picking on scabs and dried skin like me, you might want to keep your eyes out for open wounds on the callus. This open wound could risk infection and cause pain and discomfort to your child.

I was definitely not going to take that chance with Nakayla. I would very much rather have her sucking on a pacifier. It is the lesser of two evils, if you ask me.


Still in the process of learning how to keep it in her mouth for long periods of time.
Worries of crooked teeth and speech delay are all out the window for me. After all, with the technology of today, pacifiers are so advanced now that they don't often cause any problems to teeth arrangements! Blake's set of baby teeth are all looking good to me, and there isn't any issue in speech delay - even if there is any, it will be my fault cos I enjoyed baby-talking to him a little too much. Haha.

So to answer the age old question, my own personal answer would be - give, unless you have a super amazing baby that does not require any form of sucking to feel comforted.

Ending this post with a really cute video of Blake baby-talking with his pacifier on!

Blake’s First School Excursion

*Super long post ahead!*

On the morning of 25 October 2012, I woke up earlier than usual. I was too excited! It was Blake’s first ever school excursion, and we are going to Jurong Bird Park!

We quickly rushed out of the house, as we had to be in school earlier than usual, and my dad was already waiting for us downstairs, along with my mom and sister.

Blake knew that there was something special going on that day, and he was excited to get to school! Perhaps it was all the talk I have been giving him days leading up to 25th. I kept telling him about a place we were going to see a lot of beautiful and colourful birds! I had given him his school’s excursion backpack to carry around, and he got even more excited. Hehe. In his little backpack were his raincoat, my disposable poncho, and a set of his clothes.


When we reached his school, Blake could not sit still. He wouldn’t sit to have his breakfast, and was in a “why am I waiting?” kind of mood. He was restless. He kept saying, “Bye! See you!” , throughout the time in school, while we waited for all the other children and their parents to arrive. During this period, the teachers and kitchen staff were all busy packing our lunches too.


When we were finally lining up in the school’s front yard, waiting for the buses to arrive, Blake got even more excited, and rushed towards the gates.


He really couldn't wait any longer. Hehe.
But it was a while before we boarded the bus, as we took the second bus, and were the last to board. So in the midst of all the waiting, photo-taking time! J



Blake’s teacher took this shot for us. Hehe.
Finally, we boarded the bus, and we’re off! Blake was so excited, he wow-ed at everything he saw outside the window. Hehe. Lucky bugger got the window seat.



Halfway through the journey, Blake got bored and he started to play with the curtains on the bus. He was playing peek-a-boo with the world outside the windows. That entertained him for quite some time, and before we knew it, we’ve reached the bird park! J



While waiting for the school’s principal to get all our tickets, everyone lined up to take photos with ‘Birds of Play’ signboard. According to one teacher, “This is proof that we came to Jurong Bird Park!” Haha. It was quite funny.


The littlest of the lot. Hehe.

With their form teacher, Teacher Meng


Me and my baby! J
When the principal returned with our tickets, the whole school was more than ready to invade the bird park in their sunshine school uniforms! Hehe.

First stop, the penguins!



Blake saying, “Hi!” to the penguins

Teacher Meng was so-called assigned to assist me whenever I needed help cos of my heavily pregnant belly.
We then moved onto the owls. Blake refused to walk on his own through his section, not cos it was dark, but because he couldn’t see the owls! I was wondering why he asked me to carry him all of a sudden! I had thought it was the darkness and eeriness of the place, but he was doing fine when we were at the penguins’. But the moment I picked him up, he turned to where the owls were at, pointed at them, and went, “Wow!”. Haha. That’s when I knew.



After two cooling attractions at the start of our bird park outing, we braved the sun and heat to look at the other birds.


Yup, being carried cos he couldn’t see the birds. Haha.
When we reached this particular section, Blake struggled to get down.


And the reason behind the struggle to get down? He could see the birds clearer, and freely, when he’s on the ground. Haha! He was so excited at this attraction that he ran up and down, left and right, yelling, "BIRD!"


After this, the children were starting to be a little tired and hungry. So we headed over to Pools Amphitheatre, where everyone can sit down and have their lunch, while waiting for the show to start.



With his trusty water bottle, patiently waiting for something to happen


Snacking away from the goodies the school packed. And yes, silly mommy forgot to remove his backpack until halfway through the show.
I didn’t take any photos of the show as I was too busy attending to Blake, and feeding myself. Haha. I was initially gearing myself up to struggle with a crying toddler (the last time we went to an animal show in the zoo, Blake cried so badly we had to leave), but Blake surprised me when he sat through the whole show, enjoying every moment of it! He let out cries of, “Wow!” when the birds flew past us, and clapping whenever the crowd clapped. I was thoroughly amazed, and proud of my little boy. Hehe.

After the show, it was time for the activity that all the children were waiting for – Water play!

We made our way to the water playground, found a nice shady spot to put our things and get changed, and it was off to the waters!


The water was definitely a huge welcome on such a hot day, and with Blake so in love with water now, he couldn’t be happier to see the water playground!



The teachers were all pretty taken aback by Blake’s enthusiasm in water play. They came up to me, one by one, telling me how great it was to see Blake in his element. Hehe. At one point, a few of his teachers surrounded Blake, and begin to splash water on him. Blake was laughing non-stop!


The teachers kept egging Blake to run towards them, and to play with them. Blake happily obliged, and had so much fun with all the teachers!

Madam Teo (his class’s assisting teacher) had came to tell me that Blake was such a delight to have around, because he doesn’t splash water on anyone on purpose, not even when the other children attempted to provoke him into doing so, or when the teachers told him to splash back, in the name of fun! Haha. Definitely a proud mama moment for me there J

When children started to leave the water playground to wash up, Blake’s school principal, Ms Elle, came to me and asked if Blake had gone onto the slides. I told her I couldn’t bring him up as it was kind of dangerous for the both of us. The staircase leading up to the slides had been taped off, and the only other way up was to climb up a net structure – not exactly something a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler should be attempting.

Ms Elle then offered to take Blake up, while I waited at the bottom for him. She said it would be such a pity if Blake didn’t go on the slide at least once, seeing how much he enjoyed everything else at the water playground. I agreed readily, cos Blake had been trying to get me to bring him up the slides, but I kept dragging him away.

Blake was more than happy to have someone take him up to the slides, and with another teacher catching all the students at the bottom, I managed to take a video!


So glad Blake had so much fun, and so super happy that the teachers were all more than happy to get themselves all wet (none of the teachers brought any change of clothes!), just so all the children can have all the fun J

After Blake washed up, we played for a little bit at the dry playground.


Then, Teacher Meng approached us, and told me that there is a cooler spot to play, and that his classmates were all waiting there. So I picked Blake up and walked him over to the shaded area. He was super happy with this place, cos not only was it much cooler, but it had all his machine ride-ons! Haha.


There was even a mini arcade, which Blake kept trying to push the door open to get into. I let him in, only because there was air-con. Something we both very much needed. Hehe.

When everyone was done washing up, it was time for the tram ride. We waited to get a whole tram to ourselves, and we named the tram “The Honey Tree Tram”!

Blake started to become cranky at this point as it was time for his afternoon nap, so I popped his pacifier into his mouth, and carried him throughout the rest of the journey.



Tried to get everyone within the two rows in, but Blake was too low, and two of the children behind got blocked by me…
After the tram ride, everyone was exhausted, but we still had 30 minutes to go before we could leave. We had to wait for the buses to arrive.

I took this time to bring Blake to the souvenir shop, to get a little reward for him. He behaved so well, I was so proud of him! That and because, I cannot leave anywhere without buying anything, when I’m determined to buy something home. Haha.

I got Blake two soft toys (he chose them) in the form of a Toucan and a Cockatoo. I had planned to get only one for him, but this boy of mine liked these two so much, he wouldn’t let go and carried them all around the shop. He did put them down when I told him to, though. I had to find Teacher Meng before I can make any purchases, as she was carrying our bags (so sweet, right?). So as a bonus reward, for not struggling or throwing tantrums when I put the toys back and left the shop, I got them both for him. Haha.

While Teacher Meng watched him, I went into the shop quickly to make the purchase, and returned to surprise my boy.


Look at how smitten he is with the Toucan



Blake fell asleep shortly after he got hold of his new toy
Soon, the buses arrived, and we were on our way back to school.


Just before he laid down on my lap to rest on the journey back to school
When we were back in the school, Blake drank his milk while waiting for my dad to pick us up. When he was done, my dad called (perfect timing!), and we left for home.


Blake’s new feathered friends
Ending this super long post are more pictures of Blake with his new feathered friends, and his duckie, the morning after our first school excursion: